Wesker's Second Letter to Capcom
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Wesker has finished playing Resident Evil 5 and isn't too pleased with the way he was portrayed. Read his annoyed second letter to Capcom.


I love Irving, he might someday end up on my 'favourites' list. It'd be like 'BOOM!' and there he is.  
... I'm sorry.

**Disclaimer:**I don't own RE5 and/or anything mentioned in the game. Capcom does. (If I did own it the game wouldn't have ended the way it did)

**Warnings:** Obvious spoilers for RE5. Slight bashing. Don't flame me for that, for I have warned you!  
Also mentions RE DC, small spoilers for DC, too.

* * *

**Capcom!**

I am not quite certain as to why you never replied to my first letter, or why you never remade any of the games, but it sure annoyed me. I understand you're busy with the launch of the Darkside Chronicles, but that doesn't mean you can't take a minute to reply to a simple letter.  
Just for the record, I'm not posting this letter. I'm having Krauser deliver this letter in person, so you can't ignore it. And yes, he knows what to do if you decide to ignore this after all.

**That is, indeed, a threat.**

As for why I am writing this one? I finally finished playing Resident Evil 5, and I felt like stating my opinion, so you know what things need to be improved. I am aware of the fact that in my previous letter I called you all idiots, and I apologize for that. Flaming you will not help you one bit, constructive criticism might. So here I go.

_One; Chris Redfield._

I don't know what to say, to be honest. I mean, I despise Chris and everything he does, thinks, says or wants, but... He looked rather stupid in the game, did he not? He reminded me an awful lot of a gorilla, and I don't quite like monkeys. The only monkeys I ever liked were the ones on the steel tables in the Umbrella lab.

My point here is... Chris doesn't look like a monkey. I hate the man more than anyone or anything else on this planet, but the way you made him look was ridiculous.

And then I'm not even talking about that outfit of his which reminds me of a pimp coming straight from a bad b-movie. Or his muscles.

_Two; The 'Agitator' Majini._

You know who I am talking about, don't you? He wore sunglasses and he carried a megaphone with him. My point?  
He wore sunglasses. **My **sunglasses. He stole them from me, and I think it would be rather nice if you could perhaps create a cut-scene in which he gives them back.

Because in real life he did not, so I had to dispose of him.

_Three; Josh Stone._

His name wasn't Josh Stone... Perhaps you need to stop listening to the radio of watching tv before you work on your videogames.  
In case you are not aware of it; There is also a Joss Stone on this planet. She's a singer. So I blame you for the fact that I kept waiting for Josh to start singing aswell.  
It's rather sad that never happened though.

_Four; Sheva and Josh._

Miss Alomar thought it was a funny thing to say 'I trained under Josh, he taught me everything I know.'  
Now I wonder... Did Krauser too take part in writing the script? Because only Jack Krauser has a mind like that. Perverted and a little odd.

_Five; Ricardo Irving._

Hnnn, I never really hated this man, so it's nice to see him in the game. Though I do think you should have chosen a different voice-actor. There really wasn't a good reason for making him sound like Salazar's older brother.

It's a pity he died, is it not?

_Six; The chase._

Mr. Redfield and Miss Alomar in a car, shooting whoever chased them. You know, that part was rather amusing to play, and even better to see. I enjoyed it, so I think you should just leave that in the way it is. It perhaps even one of my favourite parts in the whole game. Nice going there, Capcom.

_Seven; I finally appear._

It took about thirty minutes of cut-scenes before I finally make an appearance, in a flashback that is. But boy, did I look good... I liked the cut-scene, there wasn't meaningless conversation, but action instead. This game doesn't have a lot of real action, apart from some of the boss-fights, so that was nice.  
Once again, Wesker approves.

_Eight; DRAMA!_

Resident Evil 5 has so much drama in it, it's not even funny anymore. Every time the game appeared to be headed somewhere cool, there would be stories about pain and suffering.

It's rather pathetic, I must say. I do not care about accidents or personal stories. I just wanted to play a game. Drama is one of the reasons I dislike this planet so much. So stop making everything so damn dramatic. Or are you trying to depress the people who play it?  
In that case; You're doing well, Capcom. Keep up the good work.

_Nine; The tattoo._

I never noticed this before, but in the videogame Sheva has a tattoo. You know what?  
I think that's rather sexy. It's a sad thing the rest of her wasn't that exciting though, otherwise I could've had some fun with her behind the scenes.

_Ten; BOOM!_

Irving on his boat, babbling about fireworks. You know what, Capcom?  
That 'BOOM!' really made my day.

_Eleven; Here we go... Excella._

That accent is so cliché, I was almost expecting it. However, when she finally talked in the game, it still bothered me. Her r's in the game are quite sexy, but I think you kind of overdid it.  
You know Capcom, believe it or not, English isn't really a hard language. I've heard many Europeans with a slight or no accent at all. So giving her that accent wasn't really a logical thing to do, it's just inserting another stereotype.

Also, once again I wonder if Krauser wrote part of the script. Excella said "I have my eyes set on something much bigger." My old friend Alexia would say 'You are not worthy of its power!'.

And to be honest? If Alexia said that, I would completely agree with her. Excella was rather annoying. She talked too much.

_Twelve; Spencer._

In the same cutscene as mentioned above, the one where Excella thinks that I 'will be needing a partner', you also see Spencer. Oh, how fun. There's something going on with the audio in that cuscene, because for some reason, when he says something like 'creating a new progenitor virus', I keep hearing 'creating a new genital virus'.

This for some reason triggered the Krauser-part I have in my brain and made me yell "so Spencer's the one creating all those STD's!" at the television.

Sort that out, will you?

_Thirteen; "Jill, Jill, Jill... You're like a broken record, you know that?"_

Excella said that... I just felt like pointing out that the real Excella never said things like that. Had that been the case, I might've been a bit more interested in her.

That line was rather nice.

_Fourteen; "Jill? Maybe I'll tell you, maybe I won't."_

Never mind my previous comment. That was quite the turn-off. It shows Excella exactly the way she is; Annoying and slightly stupid.

_Fifteen; "Wesker, you are alive!"_

Sheer brilliance, I must say. In Code: Veronica X, Chris was great at pointing out the obvious. It is lovely to see that in Resident Evil 5, he is still good at it. It amuses me.

_Sixteen; "Jill? It's me, Chris!"_

I'm quite pleased to see Chris was capable of remembering his own name. I wouldn't have been surprised if the opposite had happened.

_Seventeen; 'The right to be a God... That right is now mine.'_

Well Capcom, just for the record... It is still mine. I just thought I should point that out.

_Eighteen; The shot._

Oh come on, Capcom... Sheva is holding a syringe and says; 'Chris, this is it.' Then Chris, the master of pointing out the obvious, and apparently one-liners, replies with; 'Let's give it a shot'.

I don't even have words for that. It's kind of lame.

_Nineteen; No sunglasses._

You did it again... Just like in Code: Veronica, you made sure I appeared without sunglasses in RE5 aswell. I do wonder how many fangirls screamed when they saw that happen. And how many of them refused to play the fight that followed. I bet many gave up because they didn't want to hurt 'their Wesker'.

I still don't understand women.

_Twenty; My shirt._

Where did it go? Did it just melt off? Then why did my pants not melt off? I bet those fangirls would've loved to see that happen.

But seriously, Capcom... Where did it go?

_Twenty-one; The volcano._

Have you seen my hair? I use a lot of products to keep it slicked back like that. One of those products would be hairspray. Hairspray is highly inflammable, so I think my hair should've exploded when we ended up in a damn volcano. It makes no sense, really.

Second of all; Do you know anything about volcanoes, Capcom? Because I do not think you do... Whatever happened in that volcano was practically impossible. If vulcanologists have to wear special suits to get near a volcano, then why wouldn't Chris and Sheva need those inside of one? It makes no sense, they should've been dead.  
And then I'm not even talking about the poisonous gases and other hazards inside of those fiery mountains.

You dropped the gun there. It was stupid.

_Twenty-two; The mutation._

Considering the fact I am writing this, you may be able to tell I never mutated. Why, you ask?  
Because that would be plain stupid. By randomly mutating in front of Chris, you made it look like the only thing that still mattered to me was killing that monkey-man.  
I'm afraid that was not, and still is not, the case. The right to be a God is mine, so I wouldn't just give that up only to kill a man that's been stalking me for years.

I don't quite get it. I suppose you just really wanted to kill me, since the whole story is made of plot holes, with here and there some logic or a nice cut-scene.  
It was a major disappointment. I mean it. Get that fixed first.

_Twenty-three; The end of Wesker._

**In - your - dreams.** It was cliché, it was stupid and it made no sense at all. By the time you have people kill me, Chris himself would have been dead already because of the heat or gases inside of the volcano.

Also, for the last time Capcom, I am Albert Wesker. You can not kill me, for I am like a locust. You can step on me twice or twenty times, but believe me, **I just won't - stop - moving.**

I must go now, I still have work to do, and my bills aren't going to pay for themselves.

As I said before; Do something about this game. It's odd, it's not very logical, hardly any of it happened in 'real life' and the ending still sucks. Or that's what Krauser would say, anyway. I'm just going to tell you what I told you before; You are all idiots!

A. Wesker.

P.S. I just played 'The Darkside Chronicles' too. What can I say? No sunglasses! Don't make that a habit Capcom, I put them on for a reason.

Also, I need more appearances in that game. You hardly ever see me, even though I played a major role in the CVX scenario. I know, and in case you've forgotten about that, let me refer to my first letter. In that letter I explain everything that was wrong with the CVX-game.

Come to think of it... Please tell me you didn't scratch me out of that game because of my letter? I mean, I am completely aware of the fact that you made me look ridiculous in Code: Veronica, but that doesn't mean you can just leave me out of the Darkside Chronicles.

**I AM Resident Evil.  
**_Don't ever forget that._

* * *

I'm stuck on all of my series, and then realized I never posted this, even though it's been on my comp for months now.  
I hope you liked it!

-T


End file.
